life as we know it

So my life has been crazy the past few weeks to say the least... I think it finally caught up with me a little bit today and yesterday because I have not felt the greatest.. most likely its just my body telling me to chill out... which is a foreign concept to me considering I never stop going and doing. I need to learn the word no. Anyways in all the chaos I wish I could say I have done a good job at keeping God a priority in my day...but i haven't. I have not taken the time to sit at His feet in so long...which really is the only necessary thing. My mind has been so distracted lately that sometime I forget to even acknowledge God until I"m lying in bed about to go to sleep... which is not at all what my Savior deserves... I realize I have nothing to give... be He deserves the best of me... and I have not been giving that... Its hard though... I have confessed this to Him and I swear it is like my flesh is fighting with all it has to keep me in the place I have been these past few weeks. I feel like I am fighting so hard just to feel Gods presence. It's discouraging and frustrating I'm not gonna lie. But in the deepest part of my heart I know my life is hidden in Him... and its so hard for me to grasp the concept that I don't have to somehow now work my way back to fellowship with Him. Praise God that he doesn't work that way or I would never make it. So tonight as I sit here alone in my room I am feeling His grace fall down on me... and let me tell you.. I don't know if I've ever been so desperate for air. I am hungry. I am in need. He is all. I am His. He is mine. This song has spoken to me so much the past few days and has quickly become one of my favorites. It is by Sara Groves and the words are awesome. It expresses so much what I have been so frustrated with in the church and with Christianity in general. Jesus is not a portrait or a stained glass window or a hymn or most of all tradition. He is real. His blood is real it's not just a symbol. Why don't we live like we believe this. Faith is believing in something so much you act on it and if we believe in God then we believe in who He is and if this is true then we believe that he is our Provider... why don't we trust Him to provide... that He is satisfying...then why are we seeking it so much in this world... that He is comforter... why do we spend more time telling our friends our problems than God...the list goes on and on...oh how clear it is to me this week that it's not hard to believe that I've sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Well here are the lyrics to the song I have eluded to all this time. I hope it speaks to you like it has spoken to me:


Dress down your pretty faith, give me something real
Leave out the Thee and Thou and speak to me now
Speak to my pain and confusion
Speak through my fears and my pride
Speak to the part of me that knows I'm something deep down inside

I know that I'm not perfect, but compare me to most
In a world of hurt in a world of anger I think I'm holding my own
And I know that you've said there is more to life
No I am not satisfied
But there are mornings I wake up and I’m just thankful to be alive

I've known for quite a while that I am not whole
I've remembered the body and the mind, but dissected the soul
Now something inside is awakening
Like a dream I once had and forgot
And it's something I'm scared of and something I don't want to stop

I woke up this morning and realized
Jesus is not a portrait
Or stained glass windows
Or hymns
Or all the tradition that surrounds us

I thought it would be hard to believe in, but it's not hard at all
To believe I've sinned
And fallen short
Of the glory of God

He's not asking me to change in my joy for martyrdom
He's asking to take my place
To stand in the gap that I have formed
With His real amazing grace

And it's not just a sign or a sacrament
It's not just a metaphor for love
The blood is real and it's not just a symbol of our faith